


You Don't Meme That!

by Dragoon_sama



Category: Homestuck
Genre: Alternate Timelines, Gen, Humor, Multi
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2011-07-11
Updated: 2012-09-06
Packaged: 2017-10-21 06:46:34
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 3
Words: 1,755
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/222113
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Dragoon_sama/pseuds/Dragoon_sama
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>A collection of shorts based off a random meme I adopted for Homestuck. Includes grublings, piles, and sloppy makeouts!</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Unplanned Parenthood

**Author's Note:**

> This was done for a random meme thing I sort of put together/stole. I will probably do other "entries", because they are hilarious. This work is assumed AU doomed timeline where everyone is alive yay! But doomed. Boo.

**Unplanned Parenthood**  
By: Dragoon-sama

**Describe the children of ERIDAN and ARADIA? Are they good parents?**

_Eridan often tries to teach his gubblings the superiority that they inherently have by having his genetic code in them. Aradia often puts him in a time out._

\-----------------------------------

No one was quite sure what had happened, except that it had started with John being overly curious and pressing buttons 'because they were just asking to be pushed, really!', and had ended with an explosion, a majority of the asteroid residents screaming in various degrees of anger, surprise, or excitement, and several squeaking grubs crawling around the floor of the lab. There had been a moment of worry that some of the new grubs would get underfoot in the chaos that followed, but they had without exception made a bee-line straight for Karkat, swarming up the angry troll's legs despite his flailing limbs. Karkat had been about incandescent in anger, though by the time things had calmed down he was the only one with a negative opinion on the situation.

A situation, Aradia reflected, that probably meant this was another doomed offshoot of the alpha timeline. She was a little peeved at that, but resigned herself to the inevitability. It was both and advantage and a disadvantage sometimes to be able to understand the complexities of the space-time continuum. At least she could just relax and enjoy life before everyone died horribly.

Though Aradia had to admit it was a bit hard to enjoy life when she had to contend with the fact that John's ecto-disaster had created grubs using very human-like logic. Rather than direct clones of blood, the new grubs were a combination of their, for lack of a better term, 'parents', and it had come up with some unusual combinations. Aradia was quite sure she'd seen a yellow colored grub with Gamzee's horn structure chasing after a bright red grub with shockingly human blue eyes. This should have brought a fair amount of amusement into her life, and it honestly did, as Aradia had a hard time not poking fun at Karkat's embarrassed horror. It was just that…

"Stop wwriggling," Eridan snapped at the grub in his hands. It was a royal purple color very similar (or exactly) like the sea dweller's blood, but its eyes were the dark red of Aradia's own. The immediate sympathy she had received once the other trolls had found out about her unplanned parenthood with Eridan had soothed Aradia's own irritation. Besides, the grub was adorable, its questionable creation aside.

Aradia honestly wasn't even sure what color blood the grub had, though Eridan's offer to cut it open to find out had her putting him in an isolated time bubble for ten minutes to deter any other such bright suggestions. He had apparently taken the punishment to heart, because instead of further murderous actions he had taken to trying to teach the grub how to be a 'proper troll'. Currently he was trying to get the grub to hold up his ray gun in its tiny crawler legs, and Aradia was resigning herself to having to be the disciplinary in this twisted human familial setting she found herself in.

"Jarvvis, stop being so crabby! If you wwant to be a respectable troll wwhen you groww up—" Eridan broke off with an exasperated growl as the grub failed again to support the enormous rifle. The grub merely smiled up at the scowling face above it, wriggling legs tapping excitedly against the metal. Eridan had taken it upon himself to name the grub, claiming the right to do so by blood, status, and a bunch of fish puns Aradia had ignored for the sake of her sanity. It was an acceptable name, at least, though if they lived long enough for it to grow older it could pick its own name when the time came.

Aradia sighed as Eridan nearly brained the grub when the rifle slipped, then approached the pair in a few swift strides. She couldn't let such blatant spoiling continue. She tapped the sea dweller's shoulder, and smiled sweetly as Eridan half turned to peer at her with an expression that was both defiant and full of dread. "Eridan, please let me have our…progeny."

"Wwhy?"

Her smile stretched a little wider, sharp teeth just showing from behind her lips as she held out her hand expectantly. She was rewarded as he hastily shoved the grub into her hands none-too gently.

"Wwhatever." He crossed his arms, cradling his gun to his chest and putting on an honest to gog pout. "It's not like I wwanted—"

Aradia didn't bother letting him finish, sure it was going to end in another insufferable fish pun, before she froze him in another bubble of isolated time. He would have to learn sooner or later that she wouldn't put up with his self-indulgent attitude. The grub might actually pick up on it, and then she would have to discipline it as well. Having to take care of raising Eridan to be a less intolerable asshole was hard enough!

The feeling of little pinpoints of pressure on her palm made her look down at the grub curled in her hand. It was trundling in little circles, before it reared up and wriggled its legs at her imploringly. She cuddled the happy grub to her face for a moment, giggling at the little trilling clicks it gave off in excitement. There were a few fun things she could think of to do in this doomed timeline that she couldn't normally contemplate.  


"Come on, Jarvis. Let's cause a few paradoxes!"


	2. Important Orders

**Important Orders**  
By: Dragoon-sama

**CHALLENGE: Write a SHORT fic for EQUIUS and GAMZEE**

\-------------------------------------

The horns squawked and squalled their discordant chorus as the large body was forced into the pile, a few of the noisemakers meeting unfortunate ends with the sad little 'crunching' noise of metal and plastic buckling under great pressure. Equius didn't look happy at being summarily deposited in Gamzee's pile, but judging by the sweat trickling down the side of his face he wasn't going to protest. There was another loud explosion of sound as Gamzee flopped down into the pile next to him, the slightly dazed smile never quite leaving his face.

"Highblood, this is most inappropriate," Equius began, wincing as another horn met a grisly death under his palm as he shifted.

"Nah, my motherfuckin' blue-blooded brother." Gamzee's voice was a smooth, almost-slur, though each word came out surprisingly clear for someone supposedly high out of his mind. "It's cool. Everyone needs to chill on the motherfuckin' pile of miracles."

"…I-Is that an order?" The towel that was around Equius' neck was already soaked, and the fresh wave of sweat at the question didn't help the poor piece of cloth.

"Orders from your motherfuckin' meowrail," Gamzee said, stretching his hands up above his face. "That's one sassy cat you don't want to motherfuckin' say 'no' to, know what I mean?"

While not the optimal answer he was looking for, Equius none-the-less relaxed back into the surviving horns. "That is true."

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I almost forgot I had this, since it was sitting in another document. Silly babbus


	3. Tastes Like Cherry Chapstick

**Tastes Like Cherry Chapstick**  
By: Dragoon-sama

**Describe TEREZI and JADE's first kiss**

_Jade decides that whatever the internet said, too much tongue was kinda gross._

\--------------------------------------

Jade should have been nervous; it was her first kiss, and it just happened to be not only with another girl, but an alien! Which was all kinds of amazing and weird, and she wasn't entirely sure she was okay with it, but it was happening! Right now! And…it was really really uncomfortable.

"Wait—wait, Terezi!" she spluttered in between long, wet swipes of the troll's tongue across her face. "I don't think this is how you do it!"

Terezi's gleeful cackle rippled through the air, though to Jade's relief she did stop and lean back to regard Jade with her bright red sunglasses. Or were they moonglasses, since the trolls were nocturnal? After a moment Jade decided they were moonglasses, then she turned her attention back to the matter at hand.

"It is the decision of this jury to hear the criminal's plea for mercy!" Terezi said, ending with a manic cackle. That was a little bit disconcerting. Not the laugh, since Terezi was forever laughing or grinning or giggling and really that was kind of nice! But Jade was no criminal, and had no idea why Terezi had decided to accost her now of all times, let alone at all.

Jade put a finger to her cheek thoughtfully. "I'm…pretty sure that I'm no criminal. If anything, the criminal is you Ms. Moonglasses!"

Terezi leaned on Jade's arm, pulling Jade down to stare right in those red glasses. "What's the charge?"

"One case of unsolicited assault," Jade answered promptly. She could still feel the faint slickness of saliva drying on her cheeks.

"Objection!" Terezi said. "The advance was not unsolicited! The prosecution puts forth the evidence that the defendant was deliberately enticing innocent, law-abiding trolls with her use of lip flavoring!"

Jade paused to consider this; she had put on some chapstick earlier. But that didn't mean she wanted to be kissed! Even if it was cherry flavored, and she knew that Terezi liked that flavor above all others, and it wasn't like Jade had deliberately gone looking for the blind troll. "Circumstantial evidence!" she protested. "Besides! I didn't want to get licked! In the hypothetic circumstance that I wanted anything at all, it would have been a kiss. "

Before she could comprehend the movement, Terezi had once again mashed their faces together. This time, she was biting and licking at Jade's lips, at least, and it was certainly better, but it still wasn't all that enjoyable! Their noses were bumping, and their glasses were clicking together and digging into the bridge of Jade's nose. Pushing firmly at Terezi's shoulders, Jade managed to separate them again.

"Okay," Jade began, licking her lips to assess any damage taken. "First off! You need to be a little more careful of your teeth! Secondly, it works better if you turn your head to the side just a bit! And thirdly, tongue is okay, but better if it's not all over the place!"

"So you are admitting to the crime of trying to sway the prosecutor by bribes of sloppy makeouts!" Terezi said, grin widening as she threw her arms around Jade's shoulders and brought their faces close together. Jade paused for a moment to consider this seriously.

"Guilty!" she agreed.

The third kiss was much better than the first!

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I'm sort of happy with this, considering how little thought I put into it.


End file.
